Thank you. It is a privilege to be here tonight, to be the one to able to receive the adulation of your automotive cheer response. Though – to my credit, I doubt you’da heard my predecessor utter the words “Lady Gaga” outside of a diaper change role-play.
Thank you. No, please. Settle. Thank you.
I wanna thank you for the honor to speak before you today and for the work you do for so many in this country who care about their own families, notwithstanding and/or especially that some of you and yours have fake genitalia.
But unfortunately for you, there are still fellow citizens out there – perhaps living across the street with a rifle collection in their garages – or even your parents, good and decent people, who would rather open your heart with wounds, than their own hearts to anything without being specifically instructed to do so by Lou Dobbs or Glenn Beck.
Yet you keep probing ahead in the conviction that some day somebody in a position of authority will back you up. But, as has been evident from the history that I am going to recount for you now to gratuitous applause – thank you -, if you want rights, you gotta take ’em.
I wanna be honest about this, because it’s important that you see me as a guy who is aware that he is making shit up as he goes along and not afraid to admit it. I’ve said it before, so I’ll say it again cuz it really got a great response last time: It’s not for me to tell you to sit down and shut up, so I’ll remind you instead of how far we’ve come.
Wow! I didn’t expect that response! Are you guys sniffin’ poppers or what? Thank you. Please. Please. Settle. Thank you.
Now, as you know, some of those good people I mentioned a moment ago want to define you solely by L, G, B, or T. You and I both know that none of us wants to be defined by just one part of what makes us whole. So a little trick I learned is to distract from those aspects with populist talking points which focus on our least common multiple: That we are Americans.
We all have our dicks deep in the anus of this economy. We all get whipped by the effects of unemployment. We all teabag and get teabagged in the healthcare debate. And all of us are fisting and getting fisted in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Thaaaank you. Thank you. Please. No, please. Okay, settle. Thank you.
It’s no secret that gays tend to get emotional over gay rights, but don’t you dare doubt that we are making progress and heading in the right direction, especially in 2010 and 2012.
Look. The irony about don’t ask-don’t tell is that I don’t ask my Joint Chief if the collateral damage from our unmanned-aircraft vehicle systems is gay or straight, and I sure as hell don’t tell him which one the operator has gotta be. But if the best missile launcher happens to be a guy with a hard-on for another man, who are we to say he can’t launch that missile?
We should not be punishing patriotic Americans who made the commitment to defend the freedom represented by the hate crime legislation – thank you – which I’m poised to sign into law. Thank you. We instead should be rewarding them for their willingness to unquestioningly kill those who enjoy no such freedom.
Did I mention Matthew Shepherd and Ted Kennedy? Thank you. Please. Settle. Thank you.
We cannot afford to cut from our ranks those who have the critical skills to blow away our enemies just because they blow their boyfriends. And we can’t afford to exclude the transvestite’s uncanny talent for translating Arabic. You’ll hear more about that in the weeks and months to come.
We must move forward with the democratically imperialistic ideals that founded this great nation, especially now that we are fighting two wars.
These ideals are what made it possible, just this past April, for an open and proud group of LGBT people to get down on their hands and knees and roll Easter eggs on the White House lawn. Trust me, that would’ve been unthinkable in LBJ’s White House. Thaaank you. These ideals are what we are gonna need going forward with these ideals.
That’s the promise we are called upon to fulfill – you can cheer now – that is the promise we are fulfilling, day by day, bomb by bomb, changing mind by mind. Gays bless you. Gays bless America.