Haiti’s on Earth

33-01-17 Solar Press Universal
EUROPA — Planet Earth moved one step closer to being an official member of the Solar Society (SS) yesterday when former holdout Jupiter declared its willingness to go along with the Terrestrial Tolerance Integration Project (TTIP), established recently in an effort to encourage the inner planet away from its material nature.

The project itself was originally a compromise solution initiated by Uranus, in hopes that the Conditions of Self-Restraint contained in the TTIP manifest would convince society skeptics of the SS’s intolerance of heretofore Earth policies.

Planet of retrogrades?
Though a vote on their inclusion is expected by the end of the week, still uncertain is the effect recent controversial comments made by Jovian Interior Minister Hjk Shfd will have on other member votes.

“Terras are just too primitive to be effective participants in the world community.” said Shfd last month at the Summit of Gaseous Systems (G4), adding, “Some of them don’t even believe we exist.”

The minister was referring to the Earthers Movement, which accredits gaseous planet inhabitant sightings to hallucinations they believe to occur as a result of “thinking too much” during the act of procreation.

Uranian President Behsn dja Mal responded to the Jovian minister’s criticism by saying that the SS should not punish an entire planet because of the fringe views of a few.

“We should pursue a torch-and-club policy instead of emitting a gas-or-no-gas attitude when dealing with the terrestrial bodies.” she insisted.

They’ll never let us be
Less controversial however – and more likely to scuttle the passage of earthly membership – is the common view amongst moderates that humans still have a long way to go towards satisfying the basic rights of being. Members as diverse as Mars and Venus are quick to remind other society planets that Earth dwellers consistently rank high on the list of being rights violators within the Terra Spectrum.

“Just look at what they did to us.” begged Martian Deputy Ambassador Sol Tar. “And look at how humans treat each other still today.”

Mind your own business
Even if the vote were to pass, it is not a given that Earth would accept the terms and agree to join. Worries persist that the outer planets are pushing hard for membership out of personal financial interest.

“Every trade deal that’s been made, every catastrophe relief effort, every single expression of concern is a selfish one. The SS is simply looking for cheap labor and raw materials, and on Earth they think they have found the perfect source, in humans the perfect resource.” declared Eastern Hemisphere President Ramses Mubarak III.

Others are concerned about “certain SS elements” meddling in earthly affairs. There is a widespread belief that alien military and intelligence intervention has been responsible for many political upheavals on the third planet, amongst them assassinations and staged coup attempts.

Conspiracy theories aside, a common earthly refrain comes from this famous uncredited quote: “Instead of simply saying we are evil, you should take a closer look at why we are evil. Take a closer look at yourselves.”


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