No wait. That’s not really true.
In a democracy, only eligibility counts.
I am the .0000000048%
Now I like those odds!
But do I have a message that unifies me with the rest of me, enabling me to truly communicate my demands to the other 99.9999999952 percent of you?
In ₫-mar-kr-€-C$-¥ parts one and two I pleaded for your bid for my vote. You think the Occupy crowd is gonna tell me who to vote for? They don’t even have a leader! And if they do tell me who to vote for, you gonna let that happen?
The good news is that you have more time. Originally, I wanted to take bids for both the primary and general elections. But the election code in Illinois conveniently narrows the options available to last minute deciders:
Sec. 7-44. Any person desiring to vote at a primary shall state his name, residence and party affiliation to the primary judges, one of whom shall thereupon announce the same in a distinct tone of voice, sufficiently loud to be heard by all persons in the polling place.
I ran upon that paragraph when I was researching what to fill-in under your political party preference on my absentee ballot request form. I’d say that the possibility of me receiving/being able to choose between two mail-in primary ballots is slim to none. And being the fair and democratically-averse-to-risk-minded person that I am, I WILL THEREFORE ONLY ACCEPT BIDS FOR THE GENERAL ELECTION.
Send your bids via email. Again, any of the currencies indicated in the above title are acceptable, but candidate choices and cash-in-the-mail can wait until later, after I’ve announced the highest bidder.
Do I have to be from Illinois?
– Don’t be silly. I’m the one who is registered. Do you think I care?
Why can’t I just send a check?
– Because I don’t want a check. I wan’t pictures of presidents and national heroes.
Is this really legal?
– What’re you a cop? You think the 1% care what’s legal when they make their bids?