But were there any dick jokes?


Cartoon-like evil. That’s what our boys were lampooning in that motion picture. Pretty good target, too. You may think that Kim fella is one evil dictator, cartoon-like for sure, but I couldn’t possibly comment. You’ve seen the pictures.


About the flick: a friend of mine at the company gave the green to the shooting draft. Tells me he even polished a bit of the agency dialog. It’s funny stuff. Anybody tells you different is just spewing rotten tomatoes.

Now naturally, what I find most amusing is the response to the shutdown. Every buddy of a buddy who ever worked on a project with anyone who had anything to do with this one was almost too disheartened to tweet: “sends the wrong msg… beginning of the end of artistic freedom.” That sort of thing. They’re always paraphrasing my act. If they knew how much we were feeding ’em.

Tinsel Town carries a lot of water in shaping my vision of the world. They get paid too well not to swallow the bullshit. Just a few days ago folks were all “of all the gall” when I said I’d do it all again. You know, the torture stuff. I do have an abundance of gall. Helps with the finger painting. Of course, now they’ve moved on. Chokin’ their chubs watching Homeland is what they call atonement.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Hollywood projects this super smart, compassionate liberal image, when what they pump out of the studios delivers a narrative that suits me just fine. Hell, the good spies they play — rescuing hostages and uncovering the misdeeds of the “settin’ ’em up” half before they go all rah-rah and knock ’em right-on-down to the praise of the People’s Choice and Golden Globes. That’s pure Americana there, bub.

Not only is loads of that text banged out by our boys in the writing rooms, it’s the real men behind that fiction that’d make their skin crawl. And we wouldn’t even have to get Clooney on tenterhooks. He’d sing Tenderly for dinner with the president. Again. As my buddy Lieberman would put it: He’s a fucking schmuck.

Now, having said all that: the world knows that you can take it to the bank when America gives you her word – from the Executive down to the guys who aren’t fit to spit-shine my driver’s stompers. So who you gonna believe when the Feds tell you Pyongyang pulled a cyber-caper? Okay, you may not “believe” believe, but you sure as hell know they mean business.

And it is just business. In a roundabout way. The left coast pays a huge chunk of campaign debt. In turn the left hand of government maintains policies that keep the right and left hands strong, and the right hand gives the tech and knowhow to your Iron Mans and Zero Darks – keeps the Hurt Locker full of fresh meat, which dictates the spectrum of discourse that has people standing at attention for the troops at halftime of the Lakers game. That’s goddamn democracy there, pal. Heheh. ‘You can’t handle the truth!’ Reiner thinks he created a villain with that, but the dude’s a hero through and through. Ask Sorkin when he’s drunk.

So if Jews control Hollywood why are there Roman numerals at the end of each picture? (Since the last time I told that joke, they went all American.) And you think Mossad coulda brought down the towers without my connections? Fuck you!

Where was I? Oh, yeah. For their part, Democrats love to play the sober but tough but still somber and serious bit. Forever desperate for K Street cred. You know they planned and dropped the most deadly weapons ever on the Japs? Gotta respect that. Proportional response, indeed. Now they’re gettin’ all sanctiony on behalf of Sony City. Again, just business. Triple plus good.

I gotta admit I’m a bit envious that they didn’t even hafta brandish any vials of deadly hacker dust at the UN. If the FBI had made the same shit claim about North Korea when I was in office, the world would’ve called us liars and held candlelight vigils. I think I’ll go on TV and call the sanctions a milquetoast response… just to yank a few chains.

You might think that I care about the White House co-opting my manner of doing things (y’ like how I use my hands?), but it’s enough for me that people think my kind are all chickenhawks, while the other side is the thoughtful bunch. My predecessors on Pennsylvania Ave. wasted a lot more Iraqi “women & children” with their measured approach before we got to town. It tugs at my fake heartstrings. They’re still my ideas. Why do you think we funnel so much power to the president?

Not that he’ll be using that authority to drag me into court – I’m of more service to his majesty on the outside. So you’ll be hearin’ from me.

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